While I was doing my normal grocery shopping at my local Kroger. I spotted them, they were on sale for a $1.88, one of my favorite cookies the Vienna Finger. I quickly threw them in the cart,ignoring any repercussions that eating these sugary delights might have on my waist line.
When I arrived home, I excitedly showed them to my wife, she frowned and said”they’re OK.” How dare she rain on my parade, I turned to my kids to save this monumental event. However, I was stunned to find out they’d never tried them. So I offered both of them a cookie,and waited for their response. Both said it was OK. What in the world is going on here? I thought. How can anyone think Vienna fingers are just “OK”? These cookies are one of my all time favorites!There has to be some kind of conspiracy and I planned to get to the bottom of it.
I started by re-examining my kid’s actions during their response, surely if they had been brain washed, I could recognize it. I offered them one more and I snuck another for myself. After enjoying my cookie, I looked carefully to see if I could tell if they were suppressing their enjoyment. To my surprise the kids were nowhere to be found, they were definitely trying to hide something.
My next plan was to investigate my wife. I decided it might end badly, and I didn’t want to sleep on the couch so, I left it alone, never to bring it up again. However, I still needed to get to the bottom of this. I would need another plan. I decided I would investigate a friend outside of my own internal dwellings. After all I had to see how far down the rabbit hole this went. I messaged my friend and asked “hey friend, do you like Vienna Fingers?” he responded the same way my wife responded “they’re OK.” At this point,I knew there was a conspiracy, a cover up, a sham. Naturally, I ate a cookie, then asked if his wife likes Vienna Fingers. He did not know…,he did not know!!! This was peculiar! How could he not know? After all, I love Vienna Fingers and I knew there was more to his story. Were they being coerced? Or even worse, have they been brain washed? I decided, I may need to investigate their response a little deeper but at a later date.
The next day I received a call. The person calling asked me to take a survey. I quickly hung up. That was when I knew they were on to me, those sneaky, conniving “They’s”. Why else would someone call asking me to take a survey? It was a weekday and survey requests aren’t made on weekdays. Things were getting too dangerous for me, so I decided to eat the rest of my Vienna Fingers in the closet.
The above is a record of my Vienna Finger investigation. My findings show that there is a conspiracy affecting the American population. I know this because the sample size of my investigation did not represent much of anything. The most obvious conclusion is a conspiracy involving the American population and my favorite cookies. I think more answers can be found at my friends house.He gave some very peculiar answers, so he may not know what he knows. Maybe a box of Vienna Fingers would entice him.
To not arouse anymore suspicion, I ate the rest of the cookies in private and have not bought another package. If you find evidence of this conspiracy please comment below.
*I turned off comments to protect my fragile ego*
*I forgot to take a picture for this post however, I think “THEY” may have erased any evidence of the picture and my memory of taking said picture*